Gratitude is a Trap
How the pressure to be grateful kept me from trusting myself.
“Your family member is so nice and he always gets you the coolest stuff. You really shouldn’t say those things, you’re acting so ungrateful.” The first time I opened up about my discomfort of having to visit this family member’s house I was probably about 10 or 11. It was to some friends of mine, who at the time I considered close. It hadn’t even occurred to me that they might disagree with what I was telling them. I guess to be fair, I didn’t tell them any details about why, only that I didn’t like going over there.
A wave of shame washed over me as they told me how ungrateful I sounded. It was confusing, because my reality felt one way, and their reactions felt like another. How could they not take my words at face value? There’s always something inside of you that lingers, a feeling like you are supposed to speak highly of your family. Respect and all that. What they didn’t know was that each time I got a “cool gift” it was the replacement for any sliver of a real apology or accountability for what had happened a few days prior. What they didn’t know, and didn’t care to ask (they were also children, to be fair) was why.
